Hey guys. :)
As much as it pains me to show a picture of my obnoxious 6-year-old (maybe 7?) self, here ya go:
My brother, Jonathan, is on the far left. He's maybe 2 in this picture? My sister, here in the middle, is 4, and I am on the far right. This picture was taken when we were still living in California, where my siblings and I were all born. We lived in the Bay Area for about 7 years, before we moved across the country to North Carolina.
This picture is from Ketchikan, Alaska, from the summer of 2009, so it's a few years old, but for the most part, my siblings and I look basically the same. Sarah, on the left, is almost 20 now (she would have been almost 18 in this picture.). Sarah's hair is also considerably longer now a days. I'm in the middle, had just turned 20 (I'll be 22 this July), and we all know that my hair is different too. And my brother was 15; he's 17 now. He no longer has a fro.
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My whole purpose for putting these pictures up wasn't so show how much my siblings and I have physically changed since we were kids; obviously that's inevitable. I've been feeling kinda nostalgic lately, and I'm not really sure why. It's not like I'm surprised, or even against change; my whole life has been about changing. My parents got divorced when I was in seventh grade, and when that happened, the whole dynamic of my home changed; the first HUGE change was that I started to see my parents as two, completely real, completely individual people. Being the oldest, I kinda became a crutch for both of my parents to lean on (yes, at 12, I was trying my hardest to support my parents). I'm not trying to make it sound like I had it harder than anyone else; but it was tough for a 12 year old to look at both of her parents completely un-biased, especially when they both were mad at each other. So, in order to do this, I had to learn who they were, outside of just "Mom" and "Dad". It was very eye-opening. I also had to grow up a good bit, beyond my years (and I know that sounds cheesy and cliche, but it really was true). I've always tried to fix things; I want to help make things better, and I think that started because of my parents getting divorced.
I attribute everything that I am to all the changes that have happened in my life. That may sound like a really dumb thing to say, like it's common-sense or something, but it really is true. Some people want to deny that the hardships in their life have affected them in any way, almost like their in denial about it ever having happened in the first place. Or maybe they're just bitter about it. But accepting the changes in your life helps you better yourself as a person. I was mad at my parents for a while; but I was also 12 years old. I didn't know the whole story. It was easy for me to be angry. But now, at almost 22, I can look back on the situation with a much more open-mind, and knowing why it happened, I can accept it better for myself. And so now, the changes that have happened as a result of the divorce all seem to have been for the better. How funny is that? In retrospect, now, the divorce was a good thing.
Now, I don't mean to babble about stuff that's come and gone, but I really do think I'm the person I am today because of how the divorce affected me. This is what I think about when I get nostalgic and deep, haha.
I also have changes that have been happening more recently. My boyfriend and I just recently broke up. We're together now, but it was interesting how much I learned about just myself and what I want in the time that we were apart. Again, it sounds cliche, but it's TRUE. We've broken up before, in the past, but only for a day or two. I actually put myself into a pretty severe depression about a year ago because of issues I caused in the relationship, and we thought that we could work through them as a couple. It didn't really work; while we survived and pushed through the problems, it left us both questioning whether or not this was the relationship we wanted to be in. A word of advice to anyone in a relationship thinking about breaking up (or even if you are broken up, or have just recently gotten back together): you learn SO much about yourself and what you want by using the time apart to THINK. Breaking up, MOST of the time, isn't about falling out of love with someone. It's about not knowing what you want. Breaking up for a day, or two days, or even 4 or 5, isn't enough time to change anything. If breaking up was an option in the first place, it'll be an option again when the times get hard. It's scary, and I know that, but it makes it so much easier to push through the hardships in a relationship if you know that it's where you want to be. And you need time apart to see that. I don't mean to rant about relationships, haha, but this is something I've been thinking about a lot too, haha, obviously, as I've had to deal with my own issues with mine. I've learned a lot about mine, too, because of the time I had to think about it. I would have loved my boyfriend whether we got back together, or not, 'cause that's not what us breaking up was about. Neither one of us were sure of the relationship we were in, and so we decided to take time apart and figure it out; we thought the grass may have been greener on the other side... turns out it wasn't. But.. we never would have gotten there if we hadn't taken the TIME APART to see it. A relationship is a big deal; don't you want to make sure it's where you want to be?
Whew.
I'm covering a lot of ground today! Yay for not studying and reminiscing instead!! :)
I've just recently gotten a job, as well, which is a blessing. I've been looking for close to 4 months, almost constantly, and only now have finally gotten one. Ah, the perks to living in a college town where ALL the jobs are taken. Haha. It's a huge relief, though, to know that I'll finally have money coming in consistently. I have to pay for most of my own expenses. The only things I don't pay for, right now anyway, are insurance on my car (thank you, Dad!) and my phone and interest on my school loans (thank you Mom and Peter!). Everything else, I pay for. And it's hard, ESPECIALLY when you don't have a job. I think coming to college was one of the biggest changes in my life of all. All of a sudden, I HAD to grow up and be responsible. I thought I was responsible before, but I learned real quick that it took a lot more than cleaning dishes and doing laundry to get everything done. Being in college gives you that first HUGE challenge in your life - it makes you question yourself, in a good way. What do you want? College is where you find the answer to that question. You learn who you are. You learn how hard life can be; bills are a pain in the ass. The realities of college can knock you down pretty hard. But if you know where you want to go, and you have the confidence in yourself to believe that you can get there, then there's nothing standing in your way. College is awesome, but you gotta want to do it.
Because of the changes in my life, I've learned that I'm a procrastinator, haha, and that I don't like making decisions that could negatively affect myself or someone else. But, I've also learned that life is about taking the chance and making decisions that may go wrong. I've learned that I'm capable of so much more than I ever thought I was - I've shown myself how strong I can be. My self-confidence has gone up (it helps, too, that I have a boyfriend who makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. <3 Adam :) ). I've learned that I'm a beautiful person, inside and out. :) My self-identity has become more clear to me - I know what I like. I've realized that making me happy isn't about making sure other people are happy; sometimes, it's ok to be selfish and do something for myself. I've realized how important time is, and how affective change can be. I've also learned that change is ok - it's inevitable anyway. But it's not something that I need to be afraid of, 'cause I've learned that I have the strength to push through it. :)
How have the changes in your life helped you find who you are?
Leave comments below. :) I'd love to hear about you!
:)A
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